so i’m moving and moving means tossing.  so i’m going through drawers, boxes, bags and tossing stuff.  it’s very therapeutic and emotional.  each time i toss something, a swirl of thoughts feelings and emotions goes through me as i think of when i received it, why, who was around, etc.  fascinating.  i’ve heard that the amount of stuff you have is a metaphor for other more intangible parts of your life.

i ran across a box in the corner of the hall closet that i’ve been ignoring.  it is full of PICC line supplies: IV lines, bandages, dressing changes, bandage covers, shower covers, heparin flushes, saline flushes, alcohol pads, etc.  it also had several bottles of prescription antibiotics: cedfinir, minocycline, doxycycline.  man.

so my roomate is a nurse.  she moved in after all this drama had passed and she saw the stuff and said i need to toss it.  some of the prescriptions are expired.  she saw me staring at the box, lip quivering and got out a new trash bag and held it with a big smile as i threw the bottles, squares, cylinders in.  man.  i then cried a little sob and she gave me a hug and left to finish packing her room.

i’ve been at my job for a bit over a year now.  most of the people i work with i’ve seen every day since i started and we’re really becoming friends.  i spend more time with them than anyone else.  crazy to think about it like that.  anyway, i’ve learned some rules about corporate culture and polite conversation.  one of them is to never talk about your health issues.  it’s tacky, invasive and if you have a chronic illness makes everybody look at you weird.  of course, my health stuff has defined me for the last 2 years so sometimes i slip in stuff like, “yeah, virginia hospital center is really beautiful–i had my gall bladder taken out there–it has great light fixtures!”  it’s tricky.  all my coworkers know i’m into alt health stuff because i grew up on a farm but my office mate knows i had some issues but i’ve never put it together.  this is what i’d like to say:

so, you all know that i’m pretty normal but i used to be hella sick.  for about 2 years i had weird creepy crawly electric sensations in both legs every day and sometimes in my arms (and sometimes my arms were numb).  i got diagnosed with MS, then with Lyme, then with Lyme-induced MS.  during these 2 years, i had my gall bladder removed during a 3 day stay in the hospital.   i’ve had 4 MRI’s of my brain & spinal cord and a spinal tap.  i used to inject myself weekly with medicine.  i used to take up to 50 supplements a day.   I was on an intense restrictive almost no-carb diet for 16 months.  i’ve had 6 main doctors and 6 other physical therapists/body work specialists.  i had a picc line put in my arm/heart and i did an IV of medication at home for 2 hours a night, 4 nights a week for 6 months.

but you can’t say any of that at work.  just as well.

so tonight when i cried, i grieved the death of sick amy, the one who went through all of this crap and felt all of these sensations.  i don’t really feel sick anymore and i don’t have these sensations.  it’s awesome.  i went trekking around Prague and have been exercising more intentionally and i don’t get the crazy buzzy feelings.  i’m grateful.

goodnight to all, and goodbye to sick girl.

PS know anybody who needs an IV pole?