i’ve spent some time the last few days reading over my old xanga blog.  i started it in the fall of 2004, the semester after a rough summer in ireland.  i continued it til the early spring of 2007, after a crazy few months working on the look and feel of Urbana06.  It chronicled lit crit papers, paintings, sleep loss, heartbreak, books, important metaphors, changing seasons, longings & desires, and long lists of things i’d crammed into one 9-hour Friday “night.”  Then it moved on to post-college identity crises, examining what long-distance friendships look like, dreams shattered and found again, travels, new relationships, and cross-country moves.  the blog is silent for about a year and a half when i felt shameful for wanting to post my life, then it made a comeback as Amy 2.0 emerged from the ashes of an M.S. diagnosis.

It was really fun to re-read, not only because i like to hear myself, but also to read the great quippy little comments from friends: europeanwanderer, cutevillain, phoenix_ash, i_n_f_j, mzarypzat, wemetintheair.  some of you don’t read this blog, but man, it was great to read your notes.

I grieved again, a little, for the self I feel I’ve lost with all my health issues.  MS, Lyme Disease, nutrition, and feeling “normal” have dominated my landscape and other things have become smaller by comparison.  there’s not enough room in my mind and heart for creating a postmodern apologetic, thinking about making redemptive art, philosophizing about cultural shifts, and even some relationships have gotten squeezed out.  other things dominate.  i wish they didn’t.  i wish i had more space to think about these things.  at one point, i felt that my calling revolved around postmodernity, art, relationships, but now i don’t think about my calling as much.  i’m just trying to get through today with discipline and determination to  thinking critically about my treatment in one hand and hope in the other.  most days i do, and for that i’m grateful.