i came to the realization very recently that i currently have everything i want:

  • a sweet job, better, a sweet job i haven’t started yet and is therefore perfect.  this sweet job pays well, is close, and will offer group health insurance, making my life significantly easier
  • my health.  i feel pretty good and normal these days.  a little tired, yes, and recovering from surgery still, but my brain is working well and i feel like i’m on my way up.
  • a fabulous boyfriend.  not just a boyfriend, a fabulous one.  really.
  • time to rest.  i have about 2 weeks before my job starts to live a leisurely life.  i’ll go home and visit my fam, get my car repaired, work on acquiring a professional wardrobe, get more medical tests done.  it’s great.

and yet, for all of this, i’m still feeling…restless?  anxious?  not quite sure.  just a vague stirring that won’t let me rest and enjoy it all.  maybe it’s fear of failure or that i’ll lose it all.  maybe it’s guilt that i’m on a roll.  who knows.  it’s strange, though.  it’s also strange that i’m confessing through this odd impersonal medium.  i guess i thought the weird longing and ache would go away when everything was right, but it hasn’t.