several people around me have seen that i’m in a tight spot.  they always ask “what can i do to help?”  and the answer is often nothing.  but today when my mom asked “what do you need?” i decided to answer, truthfully.  here is my list:

– a full-time secretary.  i’ll sign some HIPPA stuff over to her and let her fight my insurance, call my representatives, the media, schedule me appointments, research Lyme treatments, find me an IV pole.  she’ll send me updates emails twice a day and as i think of new tasks, i’ll forward them to her.  she’ll also get my car fixed & registered in VA and pick up my dry cleaning.  she’ll be like switch and pull up detailed maps of places when i’m lost.
– a stunt double.  i need someone who looks and sounds a lot like me who can go to the doctor’s office to get stuck with needles and do my IV at nights while i go to work and taco night and alumni events and Office parties.
software/hardware from the matrix that takes books and downloads them onto your brain.  i’ll need to do this with the book required for the retreat this weekend.
– a new fall wardrobe that includes lots of cute PICC-line hiding jackets and blazers.  (or black leather unitards–either way)
– a  cat that just appears when i need a cuddly friend.  when i’m finished cuddling, the cat will disappear so i won’t have to deal with fur or a litter box.  maybe he can be a glitch in the matrix.
sleep in a can.  then i’d be like popeye and pop open a can and feel rested.  it probably looks like gruel and tastes like chicken.
– a masseuse [nope, no matrix reference for this one]

so, if you can help me out with any of that, i’d love it.  alternatively, you can come hang out some evening when i’m doing my IV drip.  even with my netflix account, i get bored.
so, if i had all of this stuff, i could just kick bacteria a and be my awesome bionic self. me, rocephin, and carrie ann moss, taking care of b. burgdorferi one uppercut at a time.